Q&A: Lain Shakespeare, Expert in Breath-holding

S. Haddock
Originally uploaded by saysport

Say, Sport recently interviewed Lain Shakespeare, Executive Director of the Wren's Nest and its Resident Underwater Breath-holding Expert, about the upcoming, highly anticipated Underwater Breath-holding World Championships. This is a transcript of their interview:

Say, Sport: Hi Lain. I'm the editor of Say, Sport, a sporting blog. We understand that you are heading up the Underwater Breath-Holding World Championships this Saturday at The Duck & Herring Co. Radio Hour Beach Party in Decatur, GA. We know you must be busy with preparations for this once-in-a-lifetime event, but thanks for taking time for this interview.

Lain Shakespeare: Hi. Never heard of your blog, but I'll play ball.

SS: Seeing how the D&H folks are looking for volunteers from the audience to compete in the contest, do you actually expect anyone to participate? If so, will you recognize the winning breath-holder before the contest actually takes place (by his chest size, perhaps a glimmer in his eye, etc.)?

LS: Of course there will be participants. My breath-holding
techniques are world renowned.

I will indeed have picked out the winner of the contest beforehand,
based on the following criteria:

1. Who has the smallest head. (Less brain means less need for oxygen.)
2. Whoever is wearing leopard print. (Because they mean business.)
3. Who is best looking. (Besides me.)

SS: Can you tell us your most dramatic underwater breath-holding story (either a story about a personal breath-holding, or a breath-holding you witnessed)?

LS: Summer of 1991. My buddy and I raced across the pool underwater in a contest of strength and prowess. I won, of course, but neglected to touch the wall with my hand. In its place, I elected to claim victory with my head. Blood went everywhere, and I remained underwater for an additional forty seconds (which I count), passed out, before they pulled me ashore and realized I had a concussion.

I was eight years old.

SS: You gave the staff of Say, Sport some very, very, very tight
swimming suits, the kind worn by Olympians with Olympian bodies and packages. Was this a joke, or were you serious? Related question: What kind of uniform do you recommend for breath-holders?

LS: I was serious about giving you the very tight swimsuits. It would be a joke if you were to wear them.

That said, I fully encourage you to show them off at the neighborhood
pool. The five year olds will indeed believe that you are an Olympian
with an Olympian body and package. Everyone else will think you're an idiot, though perhaps an idiot with shapely legs.

The best possible breath-holding uniform is an early 20th century men's vaudeville unitard bathing suit, preferably accompanied by a waxed handlebar mustache. Combine this with your arms akimbo, chest puffed forward, and jauntily angled head, and you are practically guaranteed success.

SS: What's your personal breath-holding record? Can you tell us the story?

LS: Three minutes, fourteen seconds. And no, I can't.

SS: Your great-great-great-grandfather, Joel Chandler Harris, was the author of those tales involving Uncle Remus, Br'er Rabbit, et al. Do you have any knowledge of how long he could hold his breath?

LS: No, I don't.

But taking into account his girth (for proof of adequate lungs),
mustache (for proof of awesomeness), and old-timey bathing suit (for
proof of style), I'd say Joel Chandler Harris was a kick-ass breath-holder.